Little Bird

April 11, 2013

Writing has become an extraordinarily daunting exercise for me in the last few weeks. It’s weird to think about how a passion has become both exhausting and terrifying for me. I’ve noticed many energetic shifts in both myself and the universe as a whole, and I guess the idea of releasing more chaotic energy has postponed my usual need to digest my thoughts into more tangible and concrete words. 

My fingers on the keyboard feel so unfamiliar. Almost alien. It’s not as though I haven’t been using my computer for escapist purposes. See also: an over absorption of Netflix, Hulu Plus, and social media that are only limiting my ability to actually feel my feelings.

So I don’t know when I will have the nerve to tackle the writing I’ve been harvesting within my spirits for so many years. The writing that needs a release. The writing that needs to be heard, because the voice of which carries these stories is too timid to speak for itself. I’m an unbreakable force in my writing, and yet so broken in so many other metaphoric ways. I guess that’s something that I can change, though. Maybe writing is a good start.

Hell, this is writing.

Apr 11

Dear Reader,

 

Have you ever taken the time to notice the infinitely small things in the world? Things as small as a freckle on your arm, a ladybug lying on a leaf, the sound a keyboard makes when you press the buttons. These things go unnoticed by most for the duration of their existence. They are all the simplest forms of existentialism, barely breathing, if at all.

 

And yet for some, these things mean everything. To a lover, a freckle is a part of what makes their counterpart unique; they will learn to memorize its location to the exact square inch it occupies. To the entomologist, the ladybug is a part of nature’s mysterious depth, another fascinating creature that never ceases to amaze the eye of the curious. To the writer, the sound of the keyboard has become therapeutic; the product of visualizing the mind’s rawest thoughts.

 

We can’t all see the beauty in the world, and I’m not entirely sure that we are meant to. They say, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, and while I tend to pass at the idea of using clichéd ideas, there is so much truth to that statement. Did you know that sometimes, we fail to see the beauty in ourselves? There are people out there, ruthless, unrelenting people, who would dare you to see yourself outside of the light we were meant to hold inside of us. They will pour darkness on you; give you false impressions of what beauty is actually supposed to look like. These people cannot find the simple beauty around them, because they can’t see it in themselves. And so they’ll do what they can to deny you that birthright, that birthright we’ve been given to shine in the exuberant light we were born under.

 

I see this beauty in you, reader. You are not such as the unnoticed speck in time, the flicker of passing beauty that is more often missed than not. You have been blessed with one of the most breathtaking forms of beauty that is both seen and felt from those who know you, and those who wish to know you. 

Nov 26
Dear Reader

February 1st, 2012

Where did I mislead my heart?

 

This has to be my mistake. I am accountable for all my heart’s desire. I had good intentions. But ignored the warnings inside my head. The screams of discretion my brain released when it felt the disconnect between my two most vital organs.

 

So how am I feeling, now? Empty. I can’t eat. My sleep is interrupted by the nightmares of your face. Your voice. Your touch. I can’t get you out of my head.

 

I feel so betrayed. My heart allowed me to fall. My instincts were all off. I prepared myself for a let down and never fully understood how let down I was capable of feeling.

 

I’m about to run head first into my heart’s nightmare, because I can’t stay away. I can’t not feel you so close and not be able to see you. Even though I’m killing myself inside. Even though I am standing on frail ground, on the brink of collapsing.

Feb 1

February 1st, 2012

I have learned a few things in the past week that are worth remembering. Life hands us a blank card, leaving us guessing at what to do with it. No instruction manual included. Just this blank, white face, waiting to be written on. We are left with the decision to take chances, to fill this card with as many experiences as we can imagine. Or we can wait, and hope that someone else will come along and show you what to do. To hold your hand and walk with you, step by step.

 

I think I’ve been waiting for this person. For someone to tell me how to live my life, because I don’t know how. I overcomplicate my life trying to figure out what exactly it means to find a purpose. I chase after ideals and popularized metaphors for living, searching, praying that someone else is out there, thinking my same thoughts, feeling my same feelings.  

Feb 1

February 1st, 2012

Flitter, filter, fluttering thoughts.

Words, whispered wordlessly.

For once a poet’s drive to love, has settled cautiously in solitude.

Feb 1

January 17th, 2012

It’s strange to me that most of my recent epiphanies have come during a text conversation. I am more of a recluse than anything, and it’s rare that I even remember (or have the desire to) text anyone back. Those few times that I choose to, I come up with brilliant advice that I myself should be taking. 

Do we wait for instinctual moments to break down our most complex thoughts? I wonder if I subconsciously wait to process anything my mind is dealing with until the opportune moment when it will be able to handle the depth. Perhaps I am overanalyzing, as I generally do, but it makes me wonder if our brains are that much more in tune with the fragility of our hearts. 

Jan 17

January 10th, 2012

I haven’t felt this alone in a long time. These past few days, my heart has felt hallowed out. Like it is beating for the sole purpose of existing. Isn’t it strange to feel like you would be okay without finding your soul’s counterpart, but waking up one day with the strangling sensation that you will be alone for the rest of your life? I spend so much time fantasizing about a love that will never exist, a life that feels so out of reach. I want so much for myself, but I spend so little time loving who I am and instead wishing that I could be like someone else.

 

I have lost faith in myself. I look at these incredible actresses in my favorite movies, and I pain myself into believing that I will never be as great as them. I will never have that lifestyle, because I am not good enough. I’m so lost in my fears that I won’t even allow myself room to try to be who I want to be.

 

We, as individuals, are meant to do whatever it takes to shine in a society that wants so badly to conform us, to instill the idea that we will never be good enough. I am so envious of the few that are able to break away completely from the ever-watching, ever-judging eye of society and go after their dreams. I fear failure so often that I lose the willingness to even try.

 

Why do we fear the unknown so? Why do we care so much about the opinions of others? I know that my spirit is broken, has been broken, and will continue to break and rebuild every single day. I know of all the possibilities that my heart may choose to seek, and that there will always be the ever-daunting possibility that I may fail. But fail in the eyes of who? I can allow the world to watch me fail, and let their opinions crush me. Or I can build myself up and understand that it doesn’t matter. None of them do, if they don’t desire happiness for me.

 

I have to look at my heart as being both incredibly fragile and delicate, but also having the capability to love endlessly and bravely, should I allow it to. I know in time I will. I just don’t know where to begin.

Jan 10

January 4th, 2012

My words feel useless as of late. I put endless thought into every unwritten sentence and feel defeated by the end of my over-analysis. Raw emotion and a lack of filter makes for an incredible story.

I feel too withdrawn to open myself up. 

Jan 4

September 29th, 2011

To sit well in your thoughts, you must first diminish them. Clean the slate in your head, start fresh, and go forth with only positive thinking. 

Sep 29